Inagural Blog (while under construction)
Still under construction, but we'd all love to hear what you think of the site so far.... but let me first explain to you what I don't want to hear: Don't call Sean names or label him a jerk. He's just not. How can I feel that way after all you've just read? Because I still, believe it or not, think Sean strives to be a better man every day. He doesn't always succeed, but who among us always wins our inner struggles? I built this site in the hopes that he won't hurt another woman like he hurt me, not to hurt him back.
In addition to this, I also don't think "I'm lucky to be out" of our relationship. I'm dealing with the loss of the only relationship, the only man, I ever wanted to for rest of my life. It's extremely painful, and while I'm grateful that my health has rebounded fully and I'm not the target of abuse anymore, I never wanted anything as much as I wanted a future with Sean without abuse. Accepting that it's an impossible dream is still something I struggle with daily. If you've just come out of an abusive relationship, I'm sure you understand.
Please visit the new mirror of this blog over on The WordSlinger
In addition to this, I also don't think "I'm lucky to be out" of our relationship. I'm dealing with the loss of the only relationship, the only man, I ever wanted to for rest of my life. It's extremely painful, and while I'm grateful that my health has rebounded fully and I'm not the target of abuse anymore, I never wanted anything as much as I wanted a future with Sean without abuse. Accepting that it's an impossible dream is still something I struggle with daily. If you've just come out of an abusive relationship, I'm sure you understand.
Note: The following comments are all from the friends and family of Sean. When the site is launched to the public, this comment will change to reflect that.The website is now launched to the public, but not before somebody posted over 1900 repetitive negative comments here. Obviously somebody has a guilty conscience and is trying to glue up this blog. Does it make you feel powerful? Do you ever wonder why you need so badly to feel powerful?
Please visit the new mirror of this blog over on The WordSlinger
2027 Comments:
you need some serious help.
I really think you need help.
I want my name removed from the journal entries in your journal.
I do not support your claim that Sean abused you. I think the lengths to which you've gone to slander him are outrageous. This display is unbelievable.
I was with Sean for 12 years and well, an abuser he is NOT!
I think you are really in need of some serious help.
I truly hope you stop harassing Sean with this ridiculous website. How could you do this, and send it to his friends and family, what kind of person are you?
PLEASE GET HELP!!!
Eileen, this is a travesty. I really can't believe how obsessed and delusional you are. This slanderous website is a big disappointment. If I see you around town, I won't be saying hello.
~A former acquaintance
you need medication.
...medication and a job
too too too too much time on your hands.......
too too too too much time on your hands.......
get a life, and do something worthwhile would ya....
this website is ridiculous!!!!!!1
Gee, what a great web site from such a fucked up girl. How can someone so stupid figure out such complicated technology. Eileen, it sounds to me from reading and listening to the argument (which was illegaly recorded) that you are very selfish. I believe Sean tried very hard to maintain a positive, healthy relationship. Too bad your so stupid to realize what a thoughtful, giving person Sean is. I'm surprised this kind of slanderous shit is allowed to be posted on the internet.
(The reason I think your stupid in addition to being fucked up, is the number of typographical errors you made in transcripting the "argument".)
Good luck with your big bad self. Or move back to Alaska.
Abusing someone because they supposedly abused you is really not the way to seek resolution. It's like pouring salt on your wounds. Move on. Get therapy. Geez, get a job for pete's sake.
Just for the record, you all can stop telling me to get a job. Since August of 2004, I've had two jobs and I'm taking three college classes. Volunteering my time to help abused women is quite a worthwhile use of time. My life is very full, and without Sean yiping at me to quit jobs or ditch classes to be at his beck and call, I pulled straight A's last semester. Oh, by the way, before you pipe in by saying that's a lie, I have it on tape. Tape that is legally recorded, by the way. Plus, on the tape itself Sean indicates he is aware the recorder is on. So please, come up with something valid to insult me about, will you?
I don't want this blog to become an exchange of petty insults, but I can't help myself from responding to this anonymous comment (my prime suspect is Mike, a music "critic and writer"), mostly because it made me laugh really hard:
"(The reason I think your stupid in addition to being fucked up, is the number of typographical errors you made in transcripting the "argument".) Good luck with your big bad self. Or move back to Alaska."Ok, yes, there were a fair amount of typos, and I thank you for pointing them out so I could fix them. I was glad to know you actually read it. I'm a horrible typist; which we all know is the foundation of IQ testing. But here's the thing; if you are going to insult somebody for typographical errors, perhaps it would be more effective if you used, at minimum, third grade grammar.
1. I think you meant "you're stupid". not "your stupid". Unless, of course, what you're trying to say is you're thinking about my "stupid", which is, well, stupid.
2. "Transcripting" is not a word. "Transcript" is a noun, "transcribe" is the verb you want. I admit I'm not very good at magazining, newspapering or paperbacking an "argument", either.
3. "Or move back to Alaska." That is not a sentence.
I must get back to webpaging,
Eileen
This post has been removed by the author.
Allies of abusers and abusers themselves:
From those of us who have lived this. We understand. Anybody who has been through this knows that you are not crazy! Neither am I. Nor are we stupid, lazy, selfish or any other horrible name calling you can come up with. See them for what they are.
Sticks and stones WILL hurt you and so do words.
It is with real shame that I read this site. The more I read, the more I see that I was actually quite abusive to my ex wife. She had the smarts to leave me, but unfortunatly picked right back up with someone else who took the abuse to the next level and beat the crap out of her. Now I have to live with the guilt of what I did AND with the guilt of pushing her to an even worse situation. And to top it off my son is in that situation with her. I am going to add this page to my favorites list and search for more ways to make sure my son never grows up to know the pain that this causes.
Dear Eileen,
I have been in a relationship for two years with a man that I thought was the best thing that had ever happened to me. He loved me like no one ever had. And after living through a marriage with a verbal abuser for nine years--I certainly welcomed him and his great kindness and love. About six to eight months into the relationship, he started pointing out all of my downfalls...All of the things about me that were just not right in his eyes. Most all of the things he berated me for were in my past, because he had nothing better on me. He constantly ridiculed me for what I "had" before him--meaning a big house and money and cars with my ex (whom I walked out on). I found myself constantly defending myself and I still do not know why. I still do not know what about me was so bad. And now, I am still defending myself for everything about me and my mere existence on earth.
I have desperately wanted this relationship to work. Like you, he was the first man that I ever really knew I wanted to spend my life with. It's almost like I am so damn stubborn and persistent that I refuse to give up. I know how to get what I want. I know how to make things work. I know this could work. I know who he is and if he could just stop the anger--he is a beautiful and kind man.
But the sad thing is, each and every single thing you have on this site--I have lived through. The most shattering thing that I read was the steps that need to be taken to stop the abuse. He will not admit it--ever. I have tried very hard to explain to him the hurt that he has caused me and he refuses to listen, discounts and trivializes my feelings every time. I love him more than I have ever loved any man in my life. I've been trying to walk away for about a year--I have a few times and gone back to him every time because I care so very much for him.
He has just itemized a list to me of all of things that he wants in someone that I am just not capable of giving! I have never been so frustrated in my entire life. The ONLY reason I am not capable is because I spend all of my time taking up for myself and surviving. His expectations could not be met by any human on earth. I don't know how to live without him--he really is everything to me. If he cannot admit or recognize these abusive behaviors of his that have deteriorated our relationship--well then, I guess I have to walk away, with no choice.
And to all of the people that slandered you and told you to get help------I'd like to say this: Of course she needs help you unempathic assholes, you would too if you had lived through what she has. Until you have lived through the pain, the frustration, the fear, the instability, the insecurity, the degradation of your self-esteem and confidence-------until you have experienced these things first hand at the heart and mind and mouth of an abuser---you have absolutely NO RIGHT to judge her or criticize her in any way! More of us should stand up to these bullies on power trips. They single-handedly have the ability to crush our lives. I comend her for her efforts to be strong through her pain--no matter what it takes. And don't worry, it won't hurt him--not possible--he is always and will always be right. Sad really, he'll never have what really matters in this world.
First of all, Marcyd, can u say "fat women do not wear color well"? Think black. (ha) I have lived in this nightmare for 12 years and only stayed because of my two darling girls who adore him. Let me make my point quick (btw [by the way] I am PHD Texas Tech and know FULL well how to speak and write, this is blog, and will NOT be complete sentences)...If you want to see what it is like to live with one of these monsters watch the movie "Enough" with Jennifer Lopez. (I think that is the name). I have researched this subject for 5 years and have been published over 200 times for it in periodicals. Let me say this loud and clear...is everyone listening? The NUMBER ONE thing these bastards have in common is this: THEY ARE ALWAYS KNOWN TO OTHERS AS THE NICEST GUY IN THE WORLD...I repeat...KNOWN AS THE NICEST GUY!! and they mumble "she must be nuts"....you do the math...also, people NO ONE EVER KNOWS what goes on behind closed doors. Get off her ass you idiots. (until you've walked a mile in her shoes) and even then you are a mile ahead and she is barefoot! (that was a joke)
I listened to the whole taped conversation and can fully empathize with the guys frustration over Eileen. Every time he tried to express his frustrations, she would not address any of those issues. It seems to me that she was in complete control of the taping session without him being aware that he was being taped so she was in complete control of how she would appear to the listeners...calm, cool, collected. You sound like a major user Eileen. It sounds like most of his anger and frustrations came from trying to deal with someone who just took and took and never gave back in return in many many ways. You set a trap for him and manipulated the taped conversation to your advantage totally. He sounds like he was the communicator in the relationship and you werent' and because you weren't communicating back, his frustations manifested itself into anger and cursing. Man, If I were him, I would have walked out on you long long ago. And, believe it or not, I am a woman. Doesn't every woman want a man who tells you what's on his mind??? It almost seems to me that the roles were reversed here. You sound very typical of the way guy would communicate and he is very typical of what a woman deals with in trying to communicate to a man.
I am curious, what was it that you were in the relationship for anyway???/
I see you did gain something from his time and energy, Hey, because of his time and effort you now have learned to create a great website.
I love this comment, thank you for posting. You sound EXACTLY like I sounded when I first met Sean and listened to him talk about his ex-girlfriend. I actually suspect you’re dating Sean right now.
I fell in love with his “feminine side” and LOVED the way he expressed himself. Finally, I had found a man not afraid of his emotions! Sadly, Sean assumed his ability to express emotions meant I should bow down to his emotions, and give him EVERYTHING he needed; which at first I wanted to; but, his demands increased regardless of how badly he treated me. He, like you, never understood that it was really hard to be affectionate to an explosive. If he wanted and needed my affection, he had to become trustworthy and STOP EXPLODING; stop threatening me, stop calling me names, AND stop screaming at me while I cried hysterically BECAUSE he threatened me, screamed at me and called me names. In short, stop abusing me, and stop abusing me for feeling abused.
If you are in fact Sean’s new target, I’m guessing you will not listen to a word I say. I didn’t believe anyone but Sean when I met him. I moved six thousand miles to a nasty little town just to be near him. He is quite charming and romantic, certainly a unique guy. At first. PLEASE, once he begins to show you who he really is, RUN. It WILL get ugly. The ugly Sean is not on the tapes. Until then, enjoy him, but DON’T quit your job, move, or DEAR GOD don’t get pregnant!
Also, just for the record, two things:
1) I didn't record him to make a website! I recorded us fighting to figure out what I was doing wrong, not to accuse him of anything. I found the tapes months after we split. Sean KNEW I was taping, which is why the “ugly Sean” is not on tape. Clicking ‘record’ calmed him down to his more manipulative abusive tactics.
2) Sean did NOT teach me how to “create a great website”. I don’t know where you got that idea; unless you know him, Ms. Anonymous, because it sounds like something Sean would say. I'm working very hard at a degree in Multimedia and Graphic Design.
I've known Eileen for 8 years, and while it's not surprising to me that Sean's friends and allies might see things this way, it is telling to me that every single negative comment contains some remark designed to undermine and demean my friend.
I've never known Eileen to be a vindictive person, and I feel confident that this is not her motivation now. Whatever your take on this situation, criticizing the person arguing a point you don't want to hear and not the argument itself does not achieve anything.
Kudos, to you, Eileen, and many thanks. I found your website tonight after yet another painful and frustrating episode with my live-in of nearly two years. Not only did i get clarity on the types of abuse i've been enduring, but, much to my chagrin, have also identified abuse i've perpetrated against him. Some of this has been so subtle for so long i started feeling it was the "norm" but also felt, as was described, as if a dream was shattered and i barely remembered what it was. I did start to question myself...maybe i was "too sensitive" or just couldn't "take a joke"...i realize now that what i had deeply intuited is true-- that those comments are pure crap. I'm not perfect and need to look at my explosive nature, also. However, one thing i'm sure of is that I'M NOT CRAZY and that i deserve kindness and empathy as part of a ROUTINE, not just on occasion. Thanks again for your time and effort in this site...awesome job!
thank you for your web page I have endured another round. I'm still in the fog.I have been married for 15 years and have 3 children.I feel bad they have witnessed so much of this first hand and have also had to deal with it themselves.We are now seperated and the children feel guilty that they like not haveing him around. They would never say that to him because they know I would get blamed for turning them against him.Even though I'm the one that encouraged them to talk to him because he is their father.He gets angry if you leave the light on and rages for an hour, or if he doesn't think you tred hard enough or if some thing is misplaced even by him then it is a two hour diccussion on how no one ever listens to him , god forbid you get tired and angry back of the constant nagging because if you do then your being abusive.some how and i'm not sure how but whenever he gets angry it is my fault and that our marrage is rough not because of his drug use or lieing. and i end up apologizeing for all my past deeds.He knows everything that i have ever said to him. And if i would stop being so insecure about us then he would stop threating to leave all the time. If i would accept the facts according to him then we would be o.k.
any way it really doesnt matter thank you for helping me feel a little better . thank you for spelling it out so clealy . when there is so much hurt and pain it is very much welcome thanks
This is a great web site - good job Eileen - it really puts everything in order -
I am an adult child of an alcoholic and in that regard tend to attract the "wrong" kind of man - in the beginning of each relationship - they want to take care of you - and put it down as "I love you" - ends up being an abusive partner - I learn new things everywhere I look - thanks for creating this web site...
This is a great web site - good job Eileen - it really puts everything in order -
I am an adult child of an alcoholic and in that regard tend to attract the "wrong" kind of man - in the beginning of each relationship - they want to take care of you - and put it down as "I love you" - ends up being an abusive partner - I learn new things everywhere I look - thanks for creating this web site...
eileen, I am an abuse victim as well which is a huge thing for me to admit. I have hid it for the past year in my life as I have tried to start over. I now suffer from ptsd resulting from that abuse. I just wanted to tell you how much I admire you and the way you handle the people that don't believe you. When I first left the relationship with my abuser I couldn't admit that he abused me I wouldn't say it. I still struggle with it. I tried to deny and hide what had hppened to me. Which was really hard because his abuse stretched all the way to not letting me eat, so I was a bruised 78 pound girl (that's hard to hide) telling everyone that I was never abused. No one understood why I was with him for so long. I moved out of my parent's house my senior year of high school and lived with him for two years. Until I knew I had to leave or I would die. Like you his family didn't believe he was an abuser and hated me. I had to leave the town I lived in to get away from him. He stalked me and I still have never turned him in to the police for any of the things he did to me, namely rape. I am now dating someone who is really a good guy who actually has helped me get over a lot of issues I have. I hope to one day stop reliving what happened to me those two years. You, and your confidence really do inspire me to do better. I have been just working on getting a personality again. Thank you for a place that makes me feel more normal and not so marked by what has happened to me. Thank you again
thanks for the insight. i really was in denial that i was capable of abuse. i see i unwittingly did so. have thought much about what i have read. i feel that i am guilty of some of the telltale signs of abuse. think i too have been a victim of some of the forms too. acting and reacting without thought and consideration though deep down i love my partner. i have combined loving her with letting her down and the end result.....confusing her. i have her confused about who i really am. thought that since i controlled my outbursts i had controlled my anger problem. i see that i my inner feelings that she wasn't giving me some of my needs led me to fall into an abusive pattern in order to get her to open up to me and give me what i wanted. the time i used up with abuse has to be made up with however she needs to make it up. denial is over. i cannot comment much on your relationship because i was not there but, maybe use a pen name to still get you info out there without actually hurting the other party. still, thanks for the effort. still, i thank you for putting your story out there. i am grateful for it.
Thank you Eileen for so much work of posting all of this.
Even though I must say that it made me feel crazy.
Till today I thought that I was abused by my wife - physicaly and verbaly.
She was cursing me, calling me names, making jokes in my expense, beliteling me, and so on.
I've never called her names, and cursed one time during three years of our fatal marriage when I was upset learning she had an Internet lover (who, besides, was the only person I know of that hates me.)
I don't shout on my wife, however it happens that I rise my voice. I think that it happens mostly after her rise of voice.
She is very much critical of almost everything I do.
What I must underline is that I don't criticize her almost at all, and if I do this (it happen a few times, no more than five during our marriage, I believe) I always (underlined) prevent it with some warm words of explanation.
The funny part is, however, that when she attacks me, she blows on, me and floods me with negative words, and so. I try to control it, and then, I begun to explain myself and getting into selfdefense. Finally my wife has it enough, and she detaches. Then the role changes - I talk to her, and she flips channels on tv telling me to get out, and that I should be a woman because I talk to her all the time.
This last part - talking all the time, actually fits to your recording, and this is exactly what made me more confused, because right now, I don't really know what's right and what's wrong. I guess I need to rething many things, and open-up myself more.
No, don't feel guilty (if you do,) because of it. Your web page let me think and I owe you.
I must add to my previous post -
Obviously a person should find happiness and realization in him/herself, so him demanding from you to be a different person was wrong.
To explain it why I think so I will tell you that my wife is actually demanding me to be a different person, and whenever I do something that she doesn't aprove, she gets mad and tells me that I should be alone, and I shouldn't ever get married because I a bad material for a husband.
I am so greatful for your website. I found it last night after another "episode" with the man I've been involved with for 2 years. I left my abusive husband, and fell in love with this man. He was the most compassionate, caring, emotionally intimate man I had ever met. We started talking about marriage. Then he started using intimate things he knew about me and my past against me. In an off-handed, joking manner he would refer to some very painful event I was ashamed of. It felt like some one had stabbed me in the heart. When I would say anything about it, or say,"ouch" he would become enraged with me. I am not allowed to feel, or think anything he disagrees with, or there are punishments for that. He calls me stupid, mocks my achievements, plays on my insecurities, withholds affection and attention when he knows I want it. I have tried walking away, but whenver I do that, the man I fell in love with comes back again and I stay. Then he goes right back to it again. Anytime I express a hurt feeling or something I don;t like that he is doing, he says I am being adversarial and hostile. Then he turns it all around and says the bad state of the relationship is MY fault. If I would not qeustion why he does things, how he feels, etc...In fact he says I have an abusive personality. He hsa even said that ehw onders about my first amrriage now, that there are two sides to every story and he wonders if some of it was MY fault. My first husband choked my son, shoved me against the wall, bruised me, on top of all the emotional abuse I put up with. To hear the man I love say he wonders now about all of that just devastated me. I have never recovered from that. Last night was really bad, and as I sat there crying uncontrollaby he told me to go off and cry he doesn't give a F--- anymore. I have pushed him beyond his limitations and this whole thing is over now. So I grabbed my bag to leave, and he told me to stay until morning, but I had to leave first thing, because he's not taking my shit anymore. My shit!! My shit was to try and figure out what I am doing that is making him so angry, how we can work this out. An hour later he is getting mad that I am not sitting next to him hugging him. He acted like nothing had happened, then proceeded to lecture me on how all of this was my fault. If I would just trust him and believe what he tells me....
That is a small taste of what I have enudured, until last night when I saw your website. I can see it now, I am getting out of this. I will never be good enough, because he won't let me be. Thank you, Eileen
I've been in a relationship for almost a year now. I've been noticing changes in my significant other. At first he would call me names and say mean things (ex: your stupid, your getting fat), but he would always say he was joking. Now when he says these same things they seem to get more hurtful and offensive, but he doesn't apologize anymore. I can't explain how I feel when he continuously calls me crazy. He keeps saying he can't be with me because I dont spend time with him, but he turns around and ditches me to do something else. He says I dont try hard enough when I try everyday to make him happy. I try to be talkative, affectionate, comforting, and supportive. Almost always does he shut me down and give me the cold shoulder. What hurts the most is that I've been noticing that he doesn't do any of the things I try to do for him. I have become so frustrated I can hardly think of anything else.
But God knows the Love I bare for this man. Its so hard to think of my next step. I'm so lost in thought I dont know what I can do anymore. I feel almost hopeless. I want things to change, but I dont know how it can happen.
I've been in a relationship for almost a year now. I've been noticing changes in my significant other. At first he would call me names and say mean things (ex: your stupid, your getting fat), but he would always say he was joking. Now when he says these same things they seem to get more hurtful and offensive, but he doesn't apologize anymore. I can't explain how I feel when he continuously calls me crazy. Sometimes he seems like he wants to directly hurt me. He's thrown a volley ball in my face once and didn't apologize. Sometimes he'll lightly punch my leg with each punch gaining more force. But he hasn't left heavy bruises and hasn't hit me out of anger.He keeps saying he can't be with me because I dont spend time with him, but he turns around and ditches me to do something else. He says I dont try hard enough when I try everyday to make him happy. I try to be talkative, affectionate, comforting, and supportive. Almost always does he shut me down and give me the cold shoulder. What hurts the most is that I've been noticing that he doesn't do any of the things I try to do for him. I have become so frustrated I can hardly think of anything else.
But God knows the Love I bare for this man. Its so hard to think of my next step. I'm so lost in thought I dont know what I can do anymore. I feel almost hopeless. I want things to change, but I dont know how it can happen.
I'm six months pregnant. we have a two yr old. I know this will never change. it feels worst when i think to myself that i wish someone could love me the way that i've loved him. i'm just going to turn off and ignore this part of my life. maybe, when he's dead ans i'm a senior i'll finf true companionship in the rest home. wouldn't that be nice?
This site has an excellent explanation of spousal abuse. Sadly, I could relate to each one, as they all happened in my marriage. The wedding took place 25 years ago today. My new anniversary is July 16th, 2003. That's when we separated and I finally got a chance to be my own person. He's still unbelievably (and creatively) abusive but most of it now is through others, in particular the police. I am saddened by how many people think it's not abuse if it's not physical. But at least I'm out. Thank God. I've never been so happy.
Maggie
Eileen I must commend you on your site, you have done a fantastic job & reading it has helped me understand what I am going through. I have been married for almost 12 years now & have a 3-1/2 year old son. At first my relationship with my husband was great, he adored me and we got along wonderful with many dreams for ourselves. Over the past few years (I really am not sure as it is all mixed up in my head now) he has become more and more angry. He is a very stressful & demeaning individual. Most of the time his put downs are in the form of jokes - like that makes them any better? He is always getting angry at me for stupid things like leaving a tea bag in the sink. There was one incident where he totally chewed me out for "not thinking" while we were in a store - in front of everybody. When I started crying he told me "Oh great, now your going to cry! Get Out & Wait for me in the car!" All I could do was meekly walk out as fast as I could so nobody could see me. Later that day he claims that he didn't even remember the incident. This keeps happening more & more often. He is starting to blame me for things he does now. He is also beginning to take his anger out on our son. I love him dearly, he was a good man when we met, but I don't know what went wrong... I am in limbo now trying to figure out what to do, but finances are a big problem. Family is also not an option - there are too many problems there as well, and I do not want to impose on anyone. Seeing your site has helped me realize that I need to do something. THANK YOU. I just have not yet figured out what. I don't want to let it go far enough for it to get physical. Your site helped me see the light. THANK YOU.
Eileen - well done for leaving Sean - what a head-wrecker he sounds like. The site is great - especially the opening - I cried when I read it ! You really hit the nail on the head for me and probably a lot of women out there. My story is that I've been married for 5 years - with my husband 10 years altogether. He's verbally abusive to me and explodes at minor things all the time. Yesterday morning I spent an hour in the car with him screaming abuse at me, calling me every name under the sun etc. and without me saying one word. This happens every few weeks, then we don't talk for a few days, then he's really nice to me and eventually it happens all over again. I've realised that every time it happens I love him a bit less and now I'm beginning to really hate him. I can't leave as I would lose my home and my parents would be upset etc. but it's coming to that day sometime in the future. I'm embarrassed telling anyone anymore except for one friend. People don't believe me anyway. There has been violence too -over the past few years I've had a table (small) land on my head, he's destroyed things belonged to me - torn up photos, stamped on my mobile(cell)phone and broken it, knocked down a door... He's not too violent recently - just name calling, blaming me for everything that could possibly go wrong in his life, e.g. if he loses his keys for example - I end up getting called every name under the sun. He then sends me text messages to my cell phone calling me an "evil cunt" and telling me "I'll regret it" etc. He threatened to kill me this morning if I drove off without him to work. I hate him sometimes but there's nothing I can do and he knows that. The fact that I went to university and he didn't and that I have a better job probably makes him hate me more.
Anyway Eileen - you've spectacularly bounced back yourself.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this site. I am in tears now. I am also ending my 2 year ABUSIVE relationship. Yes, abusive. Every tactic you described has been used on me. All of them. I have gotten to the point that I'm not sure what is real and what isnt, but at least I know i'm not alone. I say again, thank you
Thank you so much for this site Eileen. I've been in denial for 4 years about the mess I have become because of the relationship I have been committed to at all costs. My relationship started with George because I was his wife's last care-giver at home before she passed. There was an age difference, problems with his children, and alot of other impossibilities that the relationship could endure but I had unwaivering faith & devotion because of the intense love I felt for him and supposedly the love he said he felt for me. I gave up friends, spent all my time at his home only packing an overnight bag for 3 1/2 years, and put anything that was important to me on the back-burner to constantly prove to him that I loved him, would do anything for him and would never abandon him (b/c this is a core issue for him). Toward the end of the first year the fights/his outbursts of pain/anger started becoming episodes where he would call me anything he felt, threaten to call the cops if I didn't stop crying, and then threaten that the relationship was over. These episodes continued to get more abusive with my "things" (set of clothes/toiletries) being thrown in boxes and threats of throwing me out escalating. Each time this would happen I would cry profusly, beg him to stop and pray it would end soon. I would never leave him b/c at the end of these he would apologize and say "It's good you didn't leave b/c that would prove that you would abandon me-and now I know you are a real partner to me and can accept my side that has a temper and overreacts." Over the years of this I have battled my increasing fears, sadness and confusion about how to "make it all better" and change to fit his needs. I really thought that if I continued to open my heart more, love and hang in there-the more he healed the more everything would get better. Instead it has only gotten worse. Three weeks ago after a night of his threats of leaving, he asks the next morning as he's holding me after making love "What's still the matter?" I reply "George, please stop treating me like I am so disposable"-he then promptly left. I called him and said I was hurt and needed time to think-he yelled, called me names then hung up. In shock and upset I continued to hit redial until he answered-he then had the police call me and say that if I called him again I would be arrested. I went through 5 days of hell after that-then he called crying, apologizing and realizing all these things that he had been doing. To make a long story short-after another week of not seeing him, I gave in a spent some nights with him, considering all his promises & apologies. Then his anger flared up again and I painfully realized this pattern was not going to stop-I tried to tell him that I couldn't get over this last episode and needed time to think. After a roller coaster of emotions during the phone call he agrees to give me whatever time I need, he loves me etc. I give in and call him the next day-he replies "oh thank you for calling, I say there's one think I can't understand in all these years...how can you say one minute that you love me more than I know, and the next you're saying you never want to see me again? He explains what he's uncovering in therapy, please say you still love me Jen& that he loves me. Next night I scew up by drinking while being very depressed, call him and end up going to his home-he freaks out calls the police and I spend a night in jail and am now labeled as a crazy, harassing woman. AFter years of trying to understand these 2+ sides of him I have emptied,isolated and confused myself terribly. I kept all that was happening secret until he got physical last October-and even after that still deluded myself into thinking that I just needed to get stronger to endure and not give up on him. In the eyes of all that know him-he's the victim, and I'm just sick. Emotional abuse is rampant and we as women have to reach out to one another and stop pretending.
I tried to kill myself when I was so defeated that I couldn't find another way to get out. I'd rather die now, than take him back.
The women who don't understand are the lucky ones. I hope they never have to find out.
My absuer was named SEAN as well - and now that I've escaped that abyss, I don't have anything positive to say about him. I love your website, but it makes me sad when you say that your Sean is trying to be a better person. Abuse is abuse is abuse and no person abusing others (particularly in the horrendous and devastating manner that narcissists and sociopaths do) is in any way "trying to be better person". Your Sean, my Sean (Thank God he is no longer in my life) - they're all selfish, horrible people. No excuses.
Eileen-
I found your website while trying to research whether or not I was in a verbally abusive relationship......the answer, I think, is yes, probably somewhat, but not as bad as what yours was, or what I have experienced in the past with a man I spent 10 years of my life with. Unfortunately, the way society still views women (as less than equal, as people to still be controlled) is probably the reason for such an incidence of these kinds of relationships.
It makes me really sad to read how much you loved him, and then to see what his friends and/or family wrote. I CAN relate to this. I also think the ability to maintain love even in a very flawed relationship is a source of REAL strength. Those who wrote the first posts should be extremely ashamed of themselves. It's like kicking someone who has just been wounded and is bleeding.
I wish I knew that that there was a solution to all that I see here. I wish that there was a way to find happiness and inimacy with a partner without the threat of this kind of actions. For me, I'm wondering if women who truly want to live as authentic, autonomous, independent people can even have what commonly passes as a relationship these days.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you
Every thing you said happened to you, really happened in my 10 year relationship with my husband. The verbal abuse just escalated over time. Leaving the relationship was really hard, but the best thing for me. I really loved him, but my love for him was killing my spirit and me. Thank you again for printing this website.
KUDOS
Well done! Thank you for being brave enough to tell the truth. This is the best site on emotional abuse that I have come across... don't let others bully you into giving up... many of us need to hear what your website has to say... Thanks again... from someone who knows
Wow... I am so happy to hear that I'm not crazy. I can not believe how many times that I thought I was! After reading every word of your website I can now begin to make some serious changes in my life.
As most of us that endure this abuse, I grew up with emotionally abusive parents. This time around I made sure that NO ONE called me names or overtly emotionally abused me. However, what I didn't know is that the passive abuse was just as threatening to me as the overt.
My live-in does not call me names openly, yet will call me "a risky investment" and act as if it's a joke. He will disapprove of things that I love, yet support things that will keep me controlled.
I had no idea that this was happening until recently when I found your site. I thought I was a horrible woman that just couldn't get my "stuff" straight.
When I didn't have a job, he would disapprove. I would then get a job, he would then get angry because he was lonely working at home. I would then quit my job, and then he was angry because I had no income and decided he didn't want my help with his business anymore.
This is only one cycle that we would go through.
I've spend countless hours wondering what he wants - guessing, because he will not be honest about it, and then I would act according to his behavior.
It's been exhausting to say the least.
By nature I am a strong independent woman, who has never relied on anyone for financial means. At first it felt great that he wanted to help me start the business of my dreams by aiding me financially. He has interrupted (in various ways) my successes.
I have been blind - and now I can see.
Thank you so much - you are an angel on earth.
This is a great site... would you consider making one for adult survivors of emotional abuse? Those who unknowingly were emotionally abused by one or more of their parents... and now are continuing that cycle with their own child?
I came across your site and others about abuse while trying to open my eyes ot the fact that I am in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. It is not as bad as your story but I fear it could get worse. I honestly didn't believe that you and Sean were real, I thought the tapes were just for the site. It wasn't until I read this blog that I realised how real you are and that you made this site to get through it all.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so open and honest and helping me see that what my husband does IS wrong.
I am going to show him some of the points that match his attitude and other points that I fear he could become with time. He came from a broken home and has issues we have tried to work through and has become alot better than what he was. He knows he is angry and is always trying to get better. But excuses are excuses. I am going to suggest he goes to counselling or therapy and give him a chance before I leave him.
I wish you all the best and hope you have a happy life.
To all those who are questioning... should I stay or should I go... I was there once and we did try counseling... even when he failed to change after that, I found myself not wanting to leave my marriage of 18 years... We had two beautiful children... I never saw myself as growing up and getting divorced... He used emotional abuse to keep me blaming myself for HIS affairs... he justified himself by continuing to insult the way I looked... (I'm thin but I wasn't tan... my breasts were too big for my frame... and my hair wasn't naturally blond, and I didn't do my makeup right), He also insulted the way I kept house (though he never lifted a finger to help), cooked, or greeted him when he returned home... seemed I could do nothing right... he denied his affairs in the face of evidence... I was crazy he told me and I bagan to believe it to the point of being on the edge of a nervous break down... I could hardly function any more... work was getting difficult to maintain... It took me discovering that he really was having an affair to realize I really wasn't crazy after all. A secret recording revealed he was having sex with his colleg professor... The first time I had ever invaded HIS privacy and that is what I found... still the thought of leaving tore me up and he threatened to kill himself if I did leave him...
The thing that saved me was my love for my daughter because I had none for myself... I looked at her... the one that mirrors my image... and I saw how beautiful she is... inside and out... and I asked myself... Would I want her to remain married to the type of man that I was married to? The answer was NO... On that day I decided that I would teach my daughter that she should not put up with a man treating her the way her father treating me... and my son that that is no way to treat a wife.
It's been three years now and I have never been happier in all my life... and my children are happier as well because they have a healthy and happy mother who feels good about herself... and my ex never did kill himself... truth is that was just another emotional ploy that he never thought of carrying out because he loves himself too much... though the divorce did put a damper on his "good guy" image... He enjoyed the reputation of having a long standing marriage.
That is why I LOVE your site... because these women who view this don't have to find out the way I did that they are not crazy... and in fact there may be more to the story behind the emotional abuse then they will ever know about... If he's putting you down and blaming you in the home... he's putting you down in the minds of the people he meets... all to get their sympathy and make him look good and you look bad. No one should have to found out the way that I did by chance that I was not crazy...My advice is get help but if he does not change get out... it's the best thing you can do... for you and particulary for any children that may be involved. END the Cycle!
The homepage of this blog has even more great comments to read:
http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/blog/blog.html
Dear Eileen,
I love this website and just called a friend who really needs to read it. I do think you should protect the privacy of your ex and remove or change his name and the other personal attacks against you on this site. Your motives are much purer that way and your ex is not defamed. I would also not post the personal stuff like the card he gave you or actual fights.
It seems a bit vindictive and I am sure you are not... There is a cruelty in revealing this person's name that goes against the call for respect and non-abusive behavior that this site is all about.
This site is very helpful. Thanks!
I thought about this for months before I agreed to use my relationship for this website. I also knew I'd be called vindictive - which is code for "shut up" and "quit bitching". Two things led me to my decision;
1. I truly loved Sean and want him to be happy someday. In every book I read, and every counselor I spoke with, they all agreed on one thing adamently; one of the critical things abusive men need to become non-abusive was to be HELD ACCOUNTABLE. Sean can never have a non-abusive relationship until he is held accountable for his past abuses. I want him to find happiness someday, and abusing won't pave the road to happiness. I knew he would hate me for this website, but his eventual well-being is much more valuable to me than his "not hating" me.
Sadly, as far as I know, all he has done is deny his abuse (in spite of the letters I have from him apologizing for being abusive) and blame me, call me crazy, and post anonymously on this blog.
2. The reason I used personal information is because it's just the plain facts, not my imagination or insanity (as Sean will tell you.) While the abuse was going on, it was foggy and confusing and if I hadn't found these tapes, I'd still be begging him to give me another chance - promising him I'll do better. Many targets of abuse have experienced this - and my tapes prove I'm not imagining it or are insane; it's real. I wanted others to know verbal abuse is not in their imagination; You are not crazy.
Eileen
Hello there! I just wanted to say that, eileen you are a wonderful person. I believe people that think they know your relationship, who were not in it are judging you unfairly. I appreaciate the sit you created and feel a lot more valid for how I feel after reading whats on here. it has a lot of helpful things to read and thankyouf ro that!!!
have a great day and dont listen to people who just name call, god they are being abusive too! there is no need for abuse at all! you were only documenting something that happened. Kepp up the good work Love, theres people who understand your cry.
No, I'm not crazy, Eileen. Thank you for the reminder - I needed it.
I've just glanced at the site and saw an amazing picture ... "Abusive vs. Healthy" ... it is quite accurate of my soon-to-be ex-husband and a good friend who would very much like to be my next husband.
Before I was married, I lived a very fulfilled life and was considered outgoing, adventureous, and successful by my peers. I met and married a man who seemed like the perfect "man of my dreams" with whom I could envision a wonderful future - not just for us, but for others (in ministry).
Life slowly drained out of me ... the story is too long to tell ... but all the signs pointed away from him, and people only knew me through him, so I was always the "fix project" for anyone who had compassion on him.
Little did I know he was a closet pedophile! When that came out, plus a host of other deceitful, manipulative traits ... I was finally vindicated and free. On the one hand, a beautiful grace, and on the other a very unfair violation of my life. 15 years stolen, and now I'm cleaning up after his mess - not just his stuff, either ... cleaning up me, my son, and my daughter.
People on the outside think we're the crazy ones, but little do they know we are strong, compassionate, and have a great promise of an amazing future when we're liberated by knowing we're not crazy!
How can I get my husband to recognize he is abusive? I've been with him 25 years and married 18...Luckily, we don't have kids so I don't have that issue.
I've been in therapy for depression and anxiety for 23 years, and victim of abuse is a new concept for me. He wants me to explain every type of verbal, psychological and emotional abuse to him. When I give him specific examples, he tells me I don't remember the situation, and he was really providing SUPPORT for me then.
I'm on a wait list for a treatment program, but I need him to begin accepting some responsibility for the lack of intimacy in our relationship
Any ideas?
thank you for the time and energy that you have put into this site. i found it as a link from another emotional abuse website. i have tried to print a few of the facts that you point out (hoping that my abuser would read them and understand what he is doing) it is hard to print with the black and white and i cant copy and paste it either. no worries though, i have it good enough and i am sure he wont read them anyway. i have wanted to tape our conversations like you did, hoping if he listened to them he would understand.... now i know that i am wasting my time.... even with the printing of the facts. i am in the process of "getting out" of a 5 year emotionally (sometimes with a little phyisical) abuse.
like you have said, i really wanted to spend my life with the original man i met and fell in love with.... not the abuser.... and sometimes we can even go months with no abuse and i think that it will be all okay..... then when the going gets tough.... the other guy comes back, and i am the reason.... he keeps telling me that it is because i told him he was nothing without me.... i dont remember saying that but EVERY time he starts with that.... then i know it is down hill... just this morning i was trying to tell him how i felt and he told me no.... i dont feel that way that i am lying about what i feel like.... i ask him how does he know how i feel if i cant even say it and make him HEAR me. then of course it escalates to how i always put him down and make him feel like less of a man.....
the name calling (the c-word for 3 hours the other night) he says i "push his buttons" to make him say those things.... and they dont mean anything to him... i said they mean alot to me... and then he says that i deserve to be called everything and i should get thicker skin
i am so upset right now because i am scared
scared to stay and scared to go
he is supposedly moving out of MY house as soon as he can (of course it is all at his pace)
he says it is because of me, that he cant trust me, i ask him to explain why any of it is my fault and he just brings up things that i supposedly said in an arguement (where nothing that he said i am supposed to take personal because he said it in anger) twists them around to make his point and then when i say that i didnt say it the way you are making it sound... i am the lier.
i know this is a pattern with me and the men i choose, but i cant seem to break the cycle.
thank you for letting me know i am not alone
Dear Bluefox,
I don't think you want to hear my answer, so brace yourself.
Your husband has a 92% chance of being abusive for the rest of his natural life.
Your husband has an 8% chance of "getting it" and becoming non-abusive.
These statistics are from a highly respected book about abuse, "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. I recommend it strongly.
Sean never got it. Sean considers himself a sensitive, new age, feminist, peacenik, organic honest-to-goodness son-of-a-therapist, and this website didn't convince him. He still, as far as I know, blames me, thinks I'm crazy, vindictive, and believes he's the "REAL" victim of my imagination. We have not spoken in eight months, yet in this small town, he (and his allies) have found ways to continue hurting me.
I tried really, really hard to convince Sean he needed to stop attacking me - but he would not hear it. It was my fault, he was right, no matter what.
Couples therapy made it MUCH worse; so beware. Read the story about "Joe and the Scottie" under the REAL CHANGE link.
Dear Eileen,
Thank you so much for this website. And thank you also for your intro to this Blog, which I can very much relate to.
My abusive partner left me after luckily only 1.5 years, because I was "refusing to fulfil his needs" and "making him become a violent person". Of course he never abused me, according to him I was the abuser. ... And I was starting to believe him, glued as my brain was.
I still don't want anybody to call him a jerk or anything of the like (though I do take the right of doing so myself), and I am still deeply sad that we couldn't work it out and that I have lost the dream I had of growing old with the man I loved more than anybody before. Stockholme-Syndrome for me. (but this does not imply that I think it's Stockholm-Syndrome for you).
My ex has always made jokes about me looking for support or self-help-groups, saying that those are all just bitching women who are now carrying on about how bad their partners were. And it's so damn difficult getting this idea out of my head, which is why I am still cautious to accept self-help groups as valid support for the results of the abuse (which according to him never happened, and the concussion was only harmless and .... bla bla bla).
Thank you. A lot.
But - I would really like to read more about what you have to say about why couple therapy didn't work (we went through the whole thing twice, and it got worse, - and I am still trying to figure out, why)
Great website Eileen!Sean sounds very similar to my ex who I eventually found the courage to walk away from 3months ago.He is still pursuing me-in complete denial-blaming me-loving me one minute-hating me the next.The wonderful thing is though is that I now realise that I was what's called a 'woman who loves too much'.I took on all of his issues,gave him full sympathy and made it my quest to save him when I was the one who needing saving.I then realised that the ONLY person I could save was myself!Im now on an amazing road of self-discovery and have fantastic support.I recommend that any women in our situation continue to explore the web,find support groups or read a book on co-dependancy in order to gain support,strength,courage,hope and most importantly FAITH.
Dear Ceridwen,
Why doesn't couples therapy work?
Have you ever heard of Munchausen syndrome? It's an abusive pattern where a parent abuses their child by making them sick intentionally (poisoning, over medicating etc.) because they're addicted to the attention (and sympathy) from their family, community and medical professionals. Sick, huh? Do you think that putting the child and parent into therapy together would cure Munchausen?
Abuse is not a relationship issue like child rearing or intimacy. These issues can be solved with compromise and love - can abuse? Would it be ok if he just abused on weekends and in exchange, you can say no to sex on Mondays? Relationship issues can be solved because of goodwill towards each other and true empathy; these men would not be abusers if they had goodwill and empathy. Abuse is not a relationship issue any more than Munchausen syndrome.
It's not possible you can behave in a way that will stop his abuse. Believe me, I know how hard that is to truly believe. Just like a Munchausen parent craves sympathetic attention, abusive men crave power over, and they'll take it from whoever is closest. The tricky part here is that in order to have power over you , he must believe you are inferior, weak, wrong somehow, and this is what makes him entitled to abuse (and take the power he deserves). Therefore, he convinces you that if would just get it together HE would be cured; your lack of confidence feeds him. He has no interest in being cured – he has the power he needs. Therapy reinforces the idea that it's a relationship issue fueled by your weaknesses; but it's just as foolish as believing Munchausen is a relationship issue. It tells him he's not only convinced you it’s your fault, he's also convinced you it's your responsibility to fix it. Therapy gives him a place to convince the therapist how uncooperative you are, and chances are, he'll use your openness from therapy against you later.
My ex is so smart and charming, he was like butter in therapy. He gushed about his undying love for me and how much he wanted me to be happy above all else, and how it broke his heart to see me upset. I spoke of how I loved him, and how our fights upset me, and that I had a hard time trusting him. So, we focused on my trust issues. Suddenly, it was my trust issues that caused our fights. He had more proof it was my fault, and a therapist to back him up. Do you think that a child who was the victim of Munchausen has trust issues? Do you think solving their trust issues would stop the abuse?
I hope this helped.
Eileen
Thank you for having the guts to do this. I wanted to but am still scared of my ex. His parting threat was to ruin my internet life. All you have written is so familiar. He tries to tell me it was both of us, despite some of my driends witnessing. He's dissed me so much to his brother he hates me too. And I don't doubt he's slagging me off all over the net. I don't know if I'll ever recover.
It is so painful to be in love with the wrong person. In an ideal world, we would all bring out the best in each other instead of the worst.
People who defend abusers are contributing to it. No one can be right all the time, but everyone has a right to be safe and to be loved without a list of conditions.
I was married to Sean's uncle (the one he donated a kidney to) for almost 20 years and we have two children together. I also know Sean's father and knew Sean as a child, though not as an adult. I think I can speak with some authority about the Zigmund "men". These are men, at least the two older ones, who were brought up by a mother who had an unhealthy attachment to her sons, especially Charles (Sean's father). In addition, they had a very distant father who couldn't express himself and had a temper. As a result, they are, in my estimation, very stunted when it comes to forming emotional attachments with women. They cannot live without a woman in their lives caring for them at every turn in the road. They feel entitled to have this. They both come off as sensitive artists, and women perceive them as such, especially Eliot, my ex-husband. They have both had years of therapy and know how to express their feelings, but the only feelings they really care about are their own. It would not surprise me if Sean had inherited these qualities of seeming 'sensitive' while being basically self-centered. It's true I have an axe to grind, but my perceptions are also valid. Once, after Charles separated from his ex-wife, many years ago, he came to visit Eliot and I in our home. When I opened the door, Charlies french-kissed me! I never called him on it or said anything about it - I was too shocked. This takes a lot of gall and shows no respect at all for another's feelings. Having years of therapy means squat; for many people it only validates their sense of entitlement. There is no respect here or even cognition of the other person. While I don't know your particular situation, again, it would not surprise me that Sean probably picked up a few traits from his father, in particular. I support your quest to resolve your issues with Sean and move on, and find someone who is truly on your side. It can be done! As for trying to convince Sean that he wasn't on your side, that may be a lost cause and I wouldn't waste too much time on it! The subsequent women in his life will deal with it sooner or later.
I'm engaged to a man that has broken up with me at least twice a year over the four year relationship. He has made every break-up about me..something I've said or done. He, too, is charming as others have described their abusers. We went to counseling for 1 1/2 years with a Harville Hendricks trained counselor. We've both done intensive personal growth work and the community of people we've met through this work have found him charming and said how much he loves me. I read the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship a couple of years ago so it's obvious I've had an inkling what was going on. He is a wonderful, generous, fun guy...unless you have a conflict with him or an issue with a behavior of his. Conflict and issues with each other are a part of relationship, as we all know. He turns things around on me and has used my own accountability about my own foibles and issues I've told him in counseling or otherwise against me during conflicts. He has told me I've said things I didn't say. I am blamed for all of our conflicts because I somehow, even if he fabricates it, have done or said something to cause it and his subsequent behavior or his pattern of leaving. It's very frustrating. I feel like no one could believe me though fortunately there are those that say they do, though somehow it's hard for me to believe that they do. He has taken suggestions the therapist has given to defuse conflicts to justify repeatedly hanging up on me because he has decided decussions were over usually because he didn't want to hear what I had to say in my defense. I could go on and on. The crazy making is unreal. I am a succesful woman. I've raised two daughters and maintain positive relationships with them. I'm an engineer with a telecom company where I've been employed for 31 years. I'm attractive, youthful looking, having run 5 marathons. I am telling you all this because even with all of these accomplishments I have fallen under the insidious, subtle,and covert spell of an emotional-psychological abuser. I have compassion for his past and am able to see where this comes from for him but he sees himself as this cool, collected, consciousness seeking man. I feel for all of us..male or female..that have or are experiencing this. We need to support each other. I am not crazy either.
If I could cry I would, but I am so numb by the truths of my own abusive marraige that I find it difficult or painful to feel anymore.
Thank you for your website! I stumbled upon it this afternoon after anonymously checking myself into a hotel--alone. I can't take another episode of his acquisitory blaming and if I have to listen to one more comment about how great he is and how lucky I am to be with him I am afriad I might take the verbal abusive relationship to the next level--and knock him out in a fit of rage...
Your tapes reminded me of every conversation I have ever had with my husband. Although usually our battles begin by deciding on what to have for dinner and they painfully end with razor sharp words that fall from his mouth.
He proclaims to love me. All I can say is if this is love, I am glad I am not his enemy.
I was in a classic physically abusive relationship. Guy would hit me, break my nose, cops would come, guy would admit offense, get carted off to jail, get out, apologise, do it all over again...
I think that situation, as bad as it was, is better than living with an emotional abuser.
One thing I keep seeing on here is the fact that they are incredibly smooth at convincing others that you are the nut and also being able to comlpletely deny that anything ever happened.
I can't even count how many times he has said some completely ridiculous thing to me and literally, in a matter of minutes, deny that he ever said it.
I also learned fast not to get the cops involved. This was not my previous abuser. This guy could turn everything around on me in front of a cop in a matter of seconds. Then the abuser knows that you can't call the cops on him and becomes even more abusive.
Interesting, what the relative of your ex said. I believe my husband has some very "weird" Mommy issues, too. For the first five years, he was at Mommy's almost everyday. God forbid I said anything about it.
It became very different once her husband died. Suddenly my husband had no one to visit since she was out chasing men. Interestingly enough, they are all the age of her son. CREEPY!
My husband actually started being nice to me, for the first time in almost seven years when he thought I was going to come into some money. Amazing! I didn't think he even had the capacity to be nice. Boy, could he turn it on when he wanted something!
My main reason for commenting is this: Most victims of abuse find it VERY difficult to leave. Shelters offer a very short-term answer. Unless you have money, family and friends it is really impossible to leave. ABUSERS KNOW THIS!
That is why they cut you off from everything.
I have contacted shelters in four different parts of the country and all have had very little to offer. If you don't have the resources you will soon find yourself out on the street. I have a five-year-old daughter and I am terrified to have that happen.
Everyday I become more physically ill. And of course, the less I do around here, the more verbal abuse that comes my way.
I am slowly losing my mind.
Can we talk about Hope? The entry before mine was pretty despairing. What gives people hope for recovery and a better future? Along those lines, why do so many of us go from one abusive relationship to anotherm ,maybe worse? Wouldn't that imply that *we're* the ones who carry the problem? I don't believe that anymore but still don't know how to explain - or break - the pattern.
Hope got me into this mess.
Hope got me to stay too long.
Hope got me to leave.
Hope can be cruel.
thank-you. I don't feel so alone. My story is as complicated as anyone else's- . My miserable 23 year marriage has held together out of our stubbornness, embarassment, and now, after his 4 years of unemployment, financial need. Our children are strong and beautiful , thanks to therapy, and me. But sometimes I'm in hell. Both of us have PhDs, and he is often seen by others as the gentlest, kindest man ...... and he had me fooled. Our first decade of marriage was hell for me because I believed him, and my head would spin when he would win our "discussions" with his razor sharp, nasty mind, and I would end in tears, honestly believing I was crazy, stupid, and all the things he set out to convince me of. After years of therapy and so much growth I no longer believe any of that- and I have a part time job I love, I paint, garden, have great friends and relationships with my successful children. (who he has so alienated they can barely look at him) I still can't get away from this weak, nasty man who now has regressed to threatening cutting off finances, taking the house, abandoning us and, recently, physical assault. So much is complicated right now- I have beloved, elderly parents in decline, I love my house, I need the important bils to be paid by him.....I can't make big scary changes. Leaving isn't so easy. Physical battering would maybe make it easier to leave and I've almost hoped for a reason to call 911 and get him away from us.....
but at this point, websites like this help ground me in my faith in myself. Thank-you.
I’ve just been through an abusive situation which was approaching lethal.
Here’s what happened. In the last few days before my late husband’s death, I had a million medical questions about how to handle all sorts of life-and-death issues. When I told my late husband’s doctor that I felt bad about calling him so often, the doctor said he would simply call me each evening and we could discuss what was going on. I felt as grateful as a person could feel: here was a wise and knowledgeable person taking his personal time to help me in a time of extraordinary need. The doctor told me about how much he loved my late husband, and that he even cried when my late husband once showed some improvement.
After my late husband died, the nightly calls continued. The doctor explained that he treated the whole family in cases like this and he could be my psychiatrist in this difficult time. Again, I was as grateful as a person could be. The doctor was also (in appearance) a spiritual man, and we would even pray together over the phone. It was like having both a grief counselor and a psychiatrist and a priest, all in one person, and that miracle person was concerned about my well-being. He told me that he lived to serve and that he was born to heal, and that my happiness was the most important thing to him because he had loved My late husband so much. He also would often say that I was safe with him because he only wanted my happiness.
We ended up talking about things like my less-than-perfect relationship with my father…and a hundred things that I would normally reserve for only the most trusted friend in the world. I ended up looking forward to the calls because whatever I was going through, he seemed like the wise, all-understanding counselor who could make things better and help me to look at things in fresh, affirming way.
However, the calls gradually changed tone. It began when we discussed the morphine doses that the Hospice nurse provided me with to help my late husband through his last days. The doctor told me that at the dosage I had used, I had shortened his life. (I’ve since checked with the Hospice nurse who told me that if anything we under-medicated him and that the doses would never have shortened his life.) I don’t know if you can imagine the turmoil and sleepless nights this caused me, but at the time I was too trusting to even think of checking with Hospice, I simply believed him, that I had done something of unimaginably horribleness. The doctor told me that our Heavenly Father would forgive me and would understand, but we needed to pray for His forgiveness. We did a lot of praying together.
From then on, it was a downward spiral. The phone calls, which once I could set my clock by, now became erratic. He’d tell me he’d call on Monday, but not call for a couple of days, and then invariably come up with some excuse such as that I had misunderstood the day, or Monday night he was stuck in traffic and didn’t get home in time, or he had been talking with his son until it was too late to call. Looking back, it’s mysterious to me that I wanted him to call because most calls left me feeling worthless as a human being; because I was rich, no one was really my friend but was only polite to me because of what they could get from me. He’d also talk about how for my entire life, I never had any honest relationships because people always wanted something from me. However, he (he said) was honest with me, and it was good for me to feel this pain because it was the first time that I had ever experienced real life and I shouldn’t run from this pain because I would be a happier, more real, more alive person at the end of it, when I learned to see the world as it really is.. He said I was an emotional virgin and had never allowed myself to feel before and this was the healthiest thing that could possibly happen to me.
Only it wasn’t. I’ve never been suicidal in my life (and never will be), but I kept thinking that I would be better off if I could only be in my late husband’s grave beside him. I lost the ability to sleep and I couldn’t stand being around other people. I’m normally a sociable and upbeat person, but now, on top of my grief over losing my late husband, I felt that I couldn’t go to any of my friends for support because underneath, they all had contempt for me.
During this time, he let me know that it would be the right thing to do to give $30,000 to a charity that will benefit his work. I gave it, and actually, I don’t regret that because it is a charity that does good things. But then, he let me know that it would please him if I would give $1000 to a project that would benefit him professionally. The $5000 is also something that I think is a worthy effort, and I was on the point of giving it…but then suddenly, like last week, I WOKE UP.
We were at a meeting, and I looked at him and suddenly thought, WHY ON EARTH AM I LISTENING TO ANYTHING THIS JERK SAYS? Judge a tree by its fruits: I was a happy, productive person and he’s reduced me, a grieving vulnerable widow, to someone who feels she would be better off joining her husband in his grave. And I’m already someone who misses her husband almost more than she can stand.
Well, that’s what happened. I don’t think I’m vulnerable to him any more, but I would bet money that since he was so slick about it, that he’s done it to other people.
But as others on this blog have stated, he, like other abusive people, is as charming and attractive as a person can be. And he’s in a profession (medicine) that makes you incline to trust.
Eileen I commend you for your strength & courage and wisdom. so many people just turn their heads and look away as though it is not their problem even when asked for their help. I am in a 21 year marriage that has covered all aspects of abuse, I sent my husband a letter today putting the facts in black & white for him and let him know that I was holding him accountable no matter how pissed he get's at me... he made a comment to me less than a week ago and said it not once but 3 times while squeezing the back of my neck "I would kill you but there would be to much paperwork!" he has since claimed it was just a joke but I dont believe or trust in him anymore. so many of your definitions hit right on the facts... I have endured so much I find myself becoming bitter towards him and I am simply not a bitter person at heart so it was very difficult to find myself feeling this way towards him. I could in no way tell you my experiences there are so many. leaving is very difficult as I have no family and yes no friends so it is hard. he has not talked to me in 2 days and has denied me food for 2 days as well so I know my time has come to move on though I wonder why I have to give up my home since it was he who moved in with me but he refuses to leave though I have asked him to several times he dont physically abouse me anymore like hitting & such so calling police is not an option for me as how do you prove enotional & verbal abuse? I will survive I know this for sure though it hurts very much to leave it will hurt much more to stay. Only those who have felt this wrath of abuse know how truly painfull it is and what all it involves... when I called my friend/his friend today asking for their help to get him to leave they made the comment well hes not like that I told them no to them he is not they see the man he wants them to see but that here behind closed doors he very much is that way, they just said well we dont think he would listen to us and they hung up, sad but true. I want to wish everyone out there good luck and God bless... let today be the first day to the rest of your life of freedom.
Dear Eileen,
Thank you very much for your reply on why couples(therapy) doesn't work. It shocked me somewhat to read more or less exactly what happened in my "relationship" from somebody else. And then even have this backed up from somebody else (I understood she was your former almost-relative).
My ex, Frank, has been in therapy for about five or more years, and boy, is _he_ a good, smooth sensitive talker. Which is probably what he is doing in his own therapy, was doing in both rounds of couples therapy and in violence-counselling as well. Seems he actually even got the counselors convinced that his being violent was _my_ fault. (He got me convinced as well, for a while).
I still have a lot of glue in my hand (and _thank_ you for giving me a word for this), so I am still often doubting and questioning myself if a lot of our issues weren't my fault, after all. Even the couples therapists said that my trust-issue was a major problem. Alas, not all therapists have clear vision. Unfortunately, during the development of our "relationship" Frank even managed to discredit my therapist, calling her a prejudiced man hater, just because she voiced her concert rather