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Saturday, February 12, 2005

Mutually abusive? What do you think?

Just because I know him so well, I'm pretty positive this "Anonymous" post below is actually Sean, my abuser. It's his writing style, and in the past he's insisted "we abused each other". As a matter of fact, "mutual abuse" was the exact topic of the last correspondence I got from him (Oct 2004). I'd like to hear the bloggers opinion of this post, assuming it is in fact Sean:

Anonymous said...
Abusing someone because they supposedly abused you is
really not the way to seek resolution. It's like pouring salt on your wounds.
Move on. Get therapy. Geez, get a job for pete's sake.
10:05 PM



Now, for the record, I have two jobs and a great therapist, so that topic is a waste of energy. I'd especially like to hear what you think about the word "supposedly".

23 Comments:

Yail said...

I think you are so courageous to have created this site. Know that you have helped many people. The only thing that I question is some of the terminology on the site because abusers are always referred to as male, when we both know that women are just as capable of being abusers. Your site hit home for me. Too close for me to list my real name, in fact.

Thank you for opening the dialouge between Dh and myself. I do hope that I can create a blog, in addition to the one I already use, that focuses on a marriage made successful again after abuse has been confronted and dealt with. I need to be a success story in this.

BTW-Sean and his cronies don't fool anyone. Threats to alienate you and the name calling, well, it's no wonder they hang out with Sean since they are so adept at abusing.

To them, even if Sean was perfect and didn't really abuse her, what right do you have to come in and tell her what happened in her relationship? No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. If she is delusional, let her be that.

Why would you bother to make yourselves look like idiots by engaging such a person? I will tell you why; you are defending Sean's behavior because it is probably behavior that you are just as guilty of, right? Can't find a thing wrong with him, because then you would find fault, also within yourself. Grow up people. There is a life after keggers and blow up dolls.

11:25 PM, March 08, 2005  
Mary said...

I ran across your site one night when I was at a loss for what to do. (I wasn't even sure how to define my problem.) You don't know what an impact it has had on me...the strength you have given me to stand up for myself and define a boundary to protect myself from my husband's raging. I needed this so desparately. Thank you. Very powerful web site. Mary

9:28 PM, March 12, 2005  
Anonymous said...

You've done a wonderful thing, Eileen, with this site. I was especially touched by your dedication. You have no idea how alone I was when I made the decision to leave the abuser.

If you have broken the relationship, you've made the right choice. These people don't change. "Supposedly" is an attempt to make you doubt your perceptions: crazy-making. When I discovered my husband's affair, he took me to a therapist because I was "hallucinating" and so the therapist could make me understand it was all right for him to continue the affair.

An abuser turns black to white and white to black, playing with your mind to maintain control. It's all about him, all the time; none of it is about you.

11:35 PM, March 12, 2005  
honestyhonesty said...

Totally understand your question about the word supposedly. See below for the "supposed fear".

I was very struck by the fact that Sean was arrogant enough to let you tape his conversations because to him he was doing nothing wrong. Very similarly, I have hundreds of emails from my emotionally abusive husband, many clearly demonstrating his minimizing, condescention, crazy making, intimidation, threats, etc. because he honestly feels his treatment of me is justified as he tries to "save" the marriage on his own since I have filed for divorce.

Likewise your information about the way they use allies struck home. My husband has gone so far as to apparently conspire to have me involuntarily committed because in his mind I'd have to be crazy to want to leave him. He turned my family and friends against me with his lies. He went to a bipolar support group, told them lies and had one of them contact me. He wrote the following after he went to our religious community to try to get them to exert some control over me. I had told him and them I would not meet with them because I couldn't be around him as I was afraid of him. (He had actually converted in order to use them against me. In their defense, they did not back him up against me even after I left the community and he was "supposedly" a member. As soon as it was clear they wouldn't act against me, he apparently dropped his new faith.)

"I had the meeting with the (couple in our religious community) and it lasted about three hours. I
am now back in the office.

They would very much like to meet with you too. You can meet with them alone, and therefore your supposed fear of me will not be an issue."

Thanks for the subtlety of your site. For others who might not have seen it, check out the book "Why Does He Do That?" for excellent descriptions of more the covert abusers like the Water Torturer.

10:49 AM, March 14, 2005  
Sandi said...

A friend referred me to this web-site becuase my ex-husband contacted me this week for the first time in 6 months to let me know he's back in the country. I still miss him and have had enough time to not have the abuse at the front of my mind and have forgotten about how bad it was at times (good thing I still have my journals).

There's a few posts I'm responding to here. I still claim that my ex is one of the nicest guys I've ever met. A friend I've known for 27 years said she thought he was Ted Bundy when my ex and I first started dating. She claimed something "just wasn't right" and that nobody was "that nice". I didn't listen, Erik (the ex) was a bit of a loner, with only one close friend and was/is extremely charming.

Lets see, I stand 5'6" and at one point during marriage weighed 130 lbs and Erik told me how fat I looked and it was a turn-off, so I worked on getting back down below 120... an anorexic look for me.

When we broke-up, he asked me not to tell anyone about what had gone on and he told me "we needed to divide our friends" which has come to mean, "please don't blow my cover".

We used to refer to my ex's family as "the kingdom" because of how they stood by each other and never held each other accountable for their behavior, because the behavior was always caused by or due to someone else (someone other than the person exhibiting the maladaptive behavior).

One of my favorite exchanges was when my ex told me "I only do this because you get mad at my behavior." I clarified, "You're telling me that your initial behavior is due to my response to that particular behavior?" and he said, "yes". Logically, that just doesn't work for me.

As someone else said, this web-site lists male/female roles with the abuser being listed as male, and I've known plenty of female abusers as well. It can often be more difficult for males in that situation because society dictates men are "weak" if they're being abused by a woman and the support system is not built up as strongly as it is for women.

Great web-site and information, I still find it amazing that people would rather "protect" someone's gross behavior than admit it is occurring and work through it. A favorite phrase I learned "when the pain outweighs the fear, we'll seek change".

12:07 PM, March 19, 2005  
codicam said...

Last night was the last straw. I have a livejournal @ www.livejournal.com/users/codicam, and it explains...
What I am getting at is last night I broke up with my boyfriend of five years. I am sure that he doesn't think I was serious, and I am sure he believes I am not strong enough to go through with it.
Until about an hour ago, I had doubts of being strong enough to go through with it.
I had a feeling that he had been emotionally abusing me (but oftentimes I blocked that thought from my mind), and so I did a search on the internet for emotional abuse.
I found many resources that allowed me to come to the conclusion and face the fact that I have been a victim of emotional abuse far longer and worse than I ever realized or wanted to realize.
I found your website, and it was like a breath of fresh air.
I could relate to you on a level I hadn't been able to relate to anyone, mostly due to embarassment or thinking that everyone would not care.
Like you, I moved far away to be with this man. Like you, suddenly, he proclaimed he wasn't ready for the commitment I was-after I'd moved. Like you, he has set of a massive ally network including his own mom to discourage me and make me feel crazy.
This all really began last night, and I am going through a lot.
Right now he is at an Easter deal with his family that I told him to go to without me.
I am fearful for when he comes home b/c I know the abuse will be coming with him and I'm tired of crying and feeling depressed. I need to be strong. I need to get out of this.
I wanted to contact you b/c you sound like you know what you're talking about. You sound like you went through exactly what I am. I think you've already helped me so much, but I know I'll need more help to get all the way through this. I am trying to find a way to move away, but b/c of financial reasons, I will have to wait. I am scared b/c I don't want him to lie and have me believe that he will change and is going to...but I want to believe it. I am praying for strength and for God to keep my mind clear.
I just wanted to thank you very much for your website.
I am embarassed to even request your help, but I am going to do so anyway. My email address is codicam@hotmail.com if you have the time.

5:45 PM, March 20, 2005  
Anonymous said...

I thank you for creating this site.
I believe I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I have been with this man for almost 13 years and married to him for 3. I am on an emotional rollercoaster and don't feel I have the courage to get off. I have been reading the posts here and am really impressed that these victims are standing up for themselves. I have been afraid to be a real person for so long that I am not sure how I will end up. Will I stay in this or get out and teach daughter that this is unacceptable.
anyway,
Thanks !

3:47 PM, March 21, 2005  
Chik said...

I found your site as I researched links for my own new blog, which is a personal journey through my 13 years of hell. I survived, I'm out...but still lost as I try to regain my own self-esteem.

My blog is a journal chiksanity.blogspot.com

I thank you for sharing.

11:19 AM, March 23, 2005  
LA said...

Thank you - a friend of mine turned me on to your site. While intellectually I know that I have been emotionally abused for much of the 10 years I've been with my BF, I can't bring myself to really acknowledge that that is what it is.

I had major, major surgery last summer. He asked me to move out one week before and then again two weeks after (with a minimum 6-8 week recovery). He was not supportive in the least during my recovery, even though when we first found out I was so sick he swore we would get through it together.

Even when I did exactly what he asked (get a "real" job - I got 2), he didn't believe I was really doing it, and then it just wasn't enough - there was something else to prove my inadequacy or irresponsibility.

Even those friends who have given him more than a fair chance really, really don't like him any more. My family, I'm sure, has been hoping I'd dump him for a long time. I'm ready to let go.

I am still living with him as I get back on my feet, but am actively looking for a house and financing. I can't wait to begin my new life!!! I just have to make it through the next weeks or months . . .

Thank you again!

4:12 PM, April 06, 2005  
LA said...

BTW - I was aghast to recognize myself in some of your examples. I don't know if it was a matter of him "teaching" me how to be, or if I'd been that way before. I DO know I've exhibited behavior that I have NEVER done with anyone else that I am NOT proud of. And I justify my occasional screaming rage that it is the only way he will listen and take me seriously.

(sigh) The cycle perpetuates itself. I am determined to break it on my end. Starting with my apologies to his daughter for responding to her rage with mine. I'm re-reading the "9 steps."

Eileen, can I make a suggestion to have an HTML version of the site so visitors can print relevant information out?

4:29 PM, April 06, 2005  
Eileen said...

Yes, I know women are also capable of abuse, but for simplicity sake (and sentence structure!) I simply refer to abusers as male, because that was my experience. Interestingly, the man I was involved with before Sean had an ex-girlfriend that was abusive in many of the sames ways Sean was. My ex, "Brett" said she'd been an "emotional terrorist" but he still loved her, and believed himself to be "useless and defective". Hmmmmm!?

FYI: I'm working on printable versions of the site, along with many other things that I hope will help. But alas, finals come first!

7:58 PM, April 10, 2005  
Anonymous said...

thank you for posting this site, it's amazing how many intelligent women are out there who are in these relationships. i have read and re-read all the areas of the site. i too have a charmer, the perfectly wonderful man, a pillar of the community and corporate america, a wondeful father, friend, son, brother, etc. i think one thing we can do is trust our instincts. when it feels or "seems" bad/wrong, it is. period. not crazy.

2:55 PM, April 15, 2005  
Anonymous said...

Thank you for this site! My boyfriend of 7 months moving out, starting this weekend, b/c I finally realized what was going on. When we were dating initially I thought "jackpot!" here is the perfect person. He wanted to move in with me quickly, and 3-4 months ago I agreed. But in the last 1-2 months it's been that I think I know everything, I argue with him about everything, I don't put his needs first, I constantly change my story, he denies conversations that make him look bad, I lie/make stuff up, and this week (the clincher) that maybe I have some type of schizophrenia and would I please see a therapist b/c his love is pure and true and he wants to help me.

As my best friend pointed out to me, when I called her in tears, I was just fine before I met him, and now suddenly something is wrong with me? And the few times I confided to my mother some of his behavior, she would get quiet and say "that sounds like something your father did," and she would know after surviving 20 years with his abuse.

Emotional abuse is so darn subtle, there is no hitting and often no blatant namecalling, even I didn't recognize it at first when I should be an expert after growing up with it. But I did recognize how I was feeling, like I did when I was a kid when my parents were together, and I realized that in my past relationships there had been bad things but I never questioned my perceptions/sanity - nor was I ever told by other men that I needed to. But now, all I hear is how crazy I am. Yeah, right.

And yes, he is by all accounts the nicest guy anybody has ever met.

I would suggest updating the site with information on how alcohol abuse plays into the emotional abuse dynamic, and possibly the mind games associated with sexual abuse. But otherwise very, very well done. Thank you.

8:26 AM, July 31, 2005  
natalie335trae said...

damn good blog, check out mine http://juicyfruiter.blogspot.com, comments always welcome!

3:30 AM, August 21, 2005  
Artemis57 said...

Dear Eileen,

I have been doing some other
research on the net about
being the victim of emotional abuse. That is how I came upon -your- site.

I think MORE women ought to discover it!!

Thank you for the courage it MUST have taken to -do- it!

I tried taping (and then playing back for him) an argument -years- ago---{yes, I am -still- WITH my abuser for lack of finance and so I will not have to give up my pet cats--who ARE my children since the relationship did not produce any (any that I could KEEP anyway--more on that later)} and all -that- did was escalate his already inherent rage.

To comment on some of the other comments I read--honestyhonesty said about how HER abuser was conspiring to have her involuntarily committed? Well, HERE is a NEW one---MINE actually managed to DO it to ME! Then when the doctors realized (aside from the way HE had been gaslighting me and a few other savory things---like telling me he hoped I would choke to death [in front of my MOTHER who was visiting me in Houston at the time] I was suffering the manifestations of a HORMONAL imbalance from miscarrying an ectopic pregnancy WITHOUT being able to get medical attention for it (again lack of finance or ANY insurance) those FINE M.D.s who HELPED him to violate me even FURTHER by believing him and HIS 'proxies' (those little "helpers" they use like your Seans 'friends') would NOT back off on thier (agreeing with HIM) diagnosis, just instead decided to release me with antipsychotic medications! The one doctor in the OTHER hospital, where I was FINALLY sent for FEMALE tests after spending TWO MONTHS in the psychiatric one said he was surprised that I did not BLEED to death after reviewing the sonogram which showed a TREMENDOUS mass near my right ovary. This included the swelling of a still VERY badly damaged fallopian tube.

I thought that -I- might have been mutually abusive to Mr. BS with some of the things I did to "get even" with him being so mean to me. Maybe I am and WAS. I know that the only way HE would (and will) listen to me is if I indulge in alcohol. I even checked myself into a REHAB place at his behest and was told BY THEM that I was NOT a 'true' alcoholic. That my psychology was to start hurting myself (with alcohol and sometimes drugs) so HE would not have the satisfaction of hurting me! Plus getting MEAN when I do overdo is the only way I can seem to be truly mean back to him!

I took the first step a few days ago by filing a report with the Mongomery County Sherriffs Department about his abuse of me. But FIRST I let the officer -listen- to the VERY nasty and threatening message he left on my cell phone (in which he says he is going to have someone come and beat ME up and have them KILL my f---ing CATS, too!! Plus I showed him a paper I had from Piscataway New Jersey that was issued to me by the police THERE when he was getting WAY too out of hand. I have suffered BLATANT physical abuse from this male of the species (I simply just cannot bring myself to refer to him as a MAN) as well as the "accidentally on purpose" kind---you know---like crossing his legs under the table in a restaurant and "accidentally" KICKING me in my broken ankle (I was on crutches at the time, too) and then staring at me with that stare that DARES you to cry aloud from the PAIN!

I have another -new- one for you, too. Try THIS one on for size---being the cheapskate that he is when it comes to certain things (always looking for discounts, sales and bargains--if not resorting to out and out petty thievery when he cannot get the bargain--shoplifting) he INSISTS that I get the SUPERSIZE of anything that I may choose to drink (except for beer and things) and THEN has a hissy fit when I have to ask him to stop somewhere because I have to go---yelling at me to "bite-the-bullet"!! How's THAT for controlling?!

I am quite sure there are WAY "sicker" stories out there about the things abusers will resort to to vitimize a woman===and this one is mine.

Getting back to the 'no children' thing---I have had one full-term pregnancy from this "union"--again at HIS behest. THIS after we had agreed to NOT have children until at LEAST 5 years into the marriage (to make sure we were getting along and that it would LAST--did NOT want any child -I- would be giving birth to to suffer the physical and psychological scars of a failed marriage). Well, come to find out--the only REASON he even wanted me to GET pregnant was to LITERALLY "dis-figure" me (I was working as a dancer at the time)!! In the mean time we were moving from Asbury Park, New Jersey (we have been back and forth 3 times, Asbury, to Houston, to Piscataway and now BACK to Texas again) to Houston (it was Christmas-time 1983) and DRIVING through all that mess (the blizzard conditions and ice-storms that hit the 'south' that year) with pregnant -me-, two cats and MY car in tow--HIM driving the moving van and his brother T driving -his- car! We arrived shortly before Christmas Eve and a scant TWO WEEKS later he was THREATENING me into having a ABORTION! I went so far as to even letting him take me to the CLINIC for it! But when I read the "release from responsibility waiver" they have you read and sign if you are going to go THROUGH with it (when you are in the later tri-mesters which were still LEGAL, then)what I read HORRIFIED ME! It basically read that if THEY 'puctured' your womb with the instruments they would be using to "scrape" your womb and you started to bleed to death THEY would not be held RESPONSIBLE!I-then- asked the receptionist/nurse if there were any doctors who handled ADOPTIONS that they know of. He was absolutely LIVID! And I told him--"Hey, I am not DYING on that butcher's table just because YOU "changed" your mind about wanting a child! As we were leaving the clinic parking lot he THEN raced through the lot (to pick up speed) and SLAMMED the brakes before I was properly seated and could get my seatbelt fastened--trying to throw me through the winshield! And he NEVER 'wanted' a 'child' in the FIRST place---all he wanted was for -me- to be too fat to dance and maybe have stretch marks that I would be too ashamed of AS A DANCER! -Then- he started with the threats of getting between me and the adoption procedure and that HE would make sure HE raised the child and have ME found unfit for even VISITATION rights! A "whore" like me did not deserve a child===etc. He also escalated the abuse of my pets while I was pregnant, moved OUT of the townhome we had JUST moved into and was staying a the GuestSuites hotel with his UNDERAGED girlfriend (who was ALSO a dancer and a cokehead) PURPOSELY DID -NOT- pay the electric bill and THEN accused -me- of forgery when I had no other choice but to give the shut-off man a check with his rubber stamp signature on it! It was either that or have me, my fetus and my cats FREEZE TO DEATH (it was one of the WORST winters the south had seen in 50 years)!

So--to all you other ladies, I say, DON'T give up hope! I am 48 years old right now--have been dealing with this for 25 of those years and am STILL here to tell about it. I AM looking for work---I -do- have a car that runs and I -have- let him know that I am protecting myself. If he walks out again, FINE.
With him it is the old PUSH PULL KEEP HER OFF BALANCE thing. If he is NOT threatening to leave HIMself, then he is SCREAMING at ME to get out! Admittedly I haven't been an angel either===we are LEGALLY divorced, but it seems that ONE way or the other I ALWAYS end up having to DEPEND ON HIM. And THAT is what being an abuser and a PSYCHIC VAMPIRE (another term for those who drain your life force by not letting you get enough sleep, not letting you eat in peace, etc. like cult leaders do)is all about, isn't it?

Thank you again, Eileen for your courage and for this forum. At least NOW my story is out there and the Police here in the Woodlands know that if anything DOES happen to me or that if I just DISAPPEAR ( and yes he HAS beem threatening to KILL me and get away with it like his friend Karl's BROTHER did)--it will NOT go unredressed.

10:22 AM, November 19, 2005  
Anonymous said...

And what I would like to know is, why are these people so good at making others feel so crazy? It is amazing to me that perfectly reasonable people can be so manipulated. It makes me feel all the more crazy.

6:57 PM, November 19, 2005  
Ceridwen said...

Dear Eileen,

I am happy to see that there are more and more positive comments added to your website, and I still enjoy coming to visit every few weeks.

On my own site, I am starting to implement a section on "surviving within an abuse relationship", even though the thought of thereby maybe prolonging any womans pain and psychological torture is making my toenails curl upwards.

Writing the introduction to this section, I had to think about the "Real Change" section on your website, and I would like to ask you whether it would be ok for you if I hosted a translated version of this section on my website. I know that this is indeed a lot to aks as I have alread copy-catted your intro (though with references and link to your website), but I think that the "real change" articles you wrote would make the perfect intro for a "survival?!" section.

Currently I don*t have too much time on my hands, so for the time being, I'll just include another link to your site, but I would really appreciate if you could at some point get back to me be eMail regarding this matter (ceridwen@re-empowerment.de)

Thanks for the umpteenth time on creating your website, which was, after all the little "shove" I needed to create my own. re-empowerment.de is growing and attracting more German users, and it feels so ... re-empowering to be able to help myself and others.

Best transatlantic wishes,
Ceridwen

4:53 AM, December 06, 2005  
Angela said...

Eileen,

Okay, I'm not here to judge you or anything. I am only going to comment on the tape recording that I heard.

You stated that Seah was yelling at you about you abusing him.

I'm not sticking up for him, but this is what I heard on the tape:

To me, it sounded like Sean was sick and tired of doing everything for you - that he wasn't getting anything in return.

Not that we should have to get something in return, but when one person is doing almost everything, it can be frustrating.

He mentioned that he was doing your laundry, driving you around, doing your dishes, cleaning your house. He was upset b/c when he tried to give you a kiss and you didn't want him to. I agree that is your choice and you certainly shouldn't have to kiss him if you don't want to (my VAH/NH does this ALL the time - except he doesn't take no for an answer!).

I turned your situation around to see how I would feel. I imagined myself going over to my boyfriends house, doing his dishes, laundry, cleaning the house, cooking and driving him around. If he acted like he was in his own little world, I would have to say that I would at least like to explain how I felt to him - and to me, that's what it sounded like Sean was doing.

Now, I must tell you....That 'arguement' that is on that tape?? OMG, that was the calmest argument I have ever heard! You need to hear my husband argue - whew...if you thought Sean was 'bad'. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but our arguments are much more vile and violent in terms of loudness and words.

My husband right now is doing everything around the house - basically b/c I have quit. I have decided that since he is a control freak and wants to tell me how to do everything, well then, he can just do everything himself. So he has been doing his and the kids laundry, shoping etc. I still clean and do dishes, but I am currently unemployed. He has some of the same beefs about me as Sean had about you. If he were talking to me about it...he would have been yelling, calling me lazy, good for nothing, loser - like he always does. He would have attacked you on your responses to Sean with - "That's just an excuse, your lazy." cuz that's what he says to me. He also informs me that I do not suffer from depression - that it is just an excuse....you would have been in tears with him b/c he beats you down with words until you are paralyzed. I guess that is why I thought your 'argument' wasn't that bad. My husband will challenge anything I say...discount the way I feel and sink me deeper into the pit of hell with every word he says. That is why I don't talk to him anymore. We have been married for 23 years. I am 44.

I like your website and all and am glad that you are doing better. I was just shocked that your argument was to me, so mild.

8:30 PM, February 19, 2006  
Eileen said...

You make very good points .... the problem is, about 5% of what Sean accused me of was true. Sean NEVER ONCE did my laundry ... he drove me to the laundrymat occassionally because I had no car.

Another VERY important thing left out of his ranting is .... ALL the things he said he "had to do for" me I NEVER asked him to, nor did I ever want him to. He would practically yank a bag out of my hands to carry it up a flight of stairs, then tell me how lazy I was because he "had to" carry all the bags. This was his chronic MO. He did "my" dishes because he was the one who dirtied them ... the man cooked an elaborate meal every chance he got, and I HATE to cook. He was at my house 99% of the time, making the messes then blaming me for not cleaning up after him!

Does he sound different now that you know the truth? And, BTW, this "fight" was one of our most mild ... Sean would stop SCREAMING when the tape recorder was on. He said the same things, just in a more civil tone and with less name calling and swearing. The tape recorder was my protector.

9:48 PM, February 19, 2006  
Angela said...

Hi Eileen,

Yes, I can see it differently now. I knew there had to be more to it than just that tape. I do realize that abusers lie, twist things and ALWAYS try to make everything look like our fault.

My NH/VAH and I still live together b/c I have no place to go and no job. I have an appointment on Wednesday, Feb 22nd with our local Network Against Domestic Abuse for counseling. I finally made the move to make an appointment!! Yeah! I have to start doing something or I will be stuck here forever.

I read some of the comments from Seans groupies and it all boils down to this: They have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Period. Sean can tell them anything he wants - he will tell them things that make him look like the victim.

When I tell people, they all say, "wow, I can't believe it - Randy is such a nice guy!" And that is true - to everyone else. To me, he treats me like I'm the enemy - and I swear I don't know why. He HAS to be right and he HAS to win...so now I let him win cuz I cannot fight with him anymore. It's a battle of the wits with him. He is insecure and doesn't like it when someone knows more than he does. Sorry, I'm babbling on...

Anyway, good for you that you created this website...you are helping a lot of people. Don't worry about what Sean and his friends say...you know how you felt in the relationship and how you feel now. That is all that matters.

Angela~

1:42 PM, February 20, 2006  
K said...

I don't really know where to start. I am so happy I stumbled across this site. I have been married for 3 years and I knew something had changed but I couldn't quite figure out why. Now I know I am being emotionally abused. We have a 1 1/2 year old baby boy and one on the way, I have tried leaving but always fall for his lies again. When your husband calls your stupid and retard and then says its just a joke .. something is wrong. And this happens on almost a daily basis ... mind you I am carrying his child, for the second time. My husband works 14 hrs a day, when he does finally get time off, he wants to go out with his friends instead of spending time with his family .. his son and I. Then he says I am crazy because I get mad when he wants to go out .. and he says he is going to take custody of my child, because I am physcho. I do nothing but sit in this house and care for my family, my child and husband .. I keep the house clean and cook the dinner and what thanks do I get but .. you are crazy .. or stupid .... God I could go on and on ... but I won't .. thank you so much for making this site .. it opened my eyes. You are my inspiration.

Sincerely, KAH

3:16 PM, February 26, 2006  
Anonymous said...

I just came across your site this morning. I was married for ten years to a man that everyone thought was wonderful. We had three children together and of the ten years, the first two were great. The rest were horrible. I suffered emotional and verbal abuse from him and finally physical abuse. I finally had the courage to leave, with no job and three children to support. I felt like a beaten dog in that relationship. Like I was backed into a corner and he was just laying it on. I spent many days and nights in tears, wondering how I could have become such a terrible person that he could not love me. We went to marriage counselling twice, both times with me initiating it. The second time, I'm the one who quit going because I didn't want to confess what an awful person I was and how I was bringing this upon myself. I suffered great depression that I have never talked about with anyone. The abuse continued and i finally decided I had to fight back or be destroyed. I became angry with him and started to not back down when he would belittle me. I felt I was sticking up for myself and that that was the only way I could survive. One day in the midst of an argument, I just had this overwhelming feeling that I did not want to go through it anymore. I asked him to leave. It took me a long time to get divorced, but the day it was final, I was happier than the day I got married. I couldn't wait to change my name back to my maiden name and walked straight from the courtroom to the Bureau of Vital Statistics to do just that. When I got there and told them that I was there to change my name, everyone thought it was because I had just gotten married. I have never once regretted my decision to get divorced. He now has a girlfriend who is 22 (he is 42). I see how he treats her and I am sorry for her. She is so young to go through that. I have since met a wonderful man who I am engaged to. He loves my children and is a hard worker (even though I had been told numerous times how no one would want me). I have moved out of the house I lived in when I was married (I got that in the divorce) and have moved into a beautiful house with a nice yard and a pond in a neighborhood with a great school system. My dream job even landed in my lap since we moved when I visited an art studio up the street looking for paint to paint my front door and instead came out with a job as an art teacher and interior designer (I have degrees in both but never used them because I was raising my children essentially alone while I was married and could not). Despite all that, the anger and hurt have still not gone away. Whenever my fiance says something to me or does something that I perceive to hurt me emotionally, I respond with the same anger i directed toward my ex when he would do it. I am completely confused as to whether he is being abusive, I am being reactive or some of both. I have recently started therapy myself and am hoping that it is not too late for my relationship since he has now started responding to me in the same fashion. I see the cycle in front of me and I am so sad about it. I guess the message is to anyone reading, get help, be brave, find yourself again as soon as possible because you do lose yourself to this if you let it continue. You are too valuable to give yourself up to someone who would do this. Much love and hope, M

2:18 PM, March 22, 2006  
Anonymous said...

I just came across your site this morning. I was married for ten years to a man that everyone thought was wonderful. We had three children together and of the ten years, the first two were great. The rest were horrible. I suffered emotional and verbal abuse from him and finally physical abuse. I finally had the courage to leave, with no job and three children to support. I felt like a beaten dog in that relationship. Like I was backed into a corner and he was just laying it on. I spent many days and nights in tears, wondering how I could have become such a terrible person that he could not love me. We went to marriage counselling twice, both times with me initiating it. The second time, I'm the one who quit going because I didn't want to confess what an awful person I was and how I was bringing this upon myself. I suffered great depression that I have never talked about with anyone. The abuse continued and i finally decided I had to fight back or be destroyed. I became angry with him and started to not back down when he would belittle me. I felt I was sticking up for myself and that that was the only way I could survive. One day in the midst of an argument, I just had this overwhelming feeling that I did not want to go through it anymore. I asked him to leave. It took me a long time to get divorced, but the day it was final, I was happier than the day I got married. I couldn't wait to change my name back to my maiden name and walked straight from the courtroom to the Bureau of Vital Statistics to do just that. When I got there and told them that I was there to change my name, everyone thought it was because I had just gotten married. I have never once regretted my decision to get divorced. He now has a girlfriend who is 22 (he is 42). I see how he treats her and I am sorry for her. She is so young to go through that. I have since met a wonderful man who I am engaged to. He loves my children and is a hard worker (even though I had been told numerous times how no one would want me). I have moved out of the house I lived in when I was married (I got that in the divorce) and have moved into a beautiful house with a nice yard and a pond in a neighborhood with a great school system. My dream job even landed in my lap since we moved when I visited an art studio up the street looking for paint to paint my front door and instead came out with a job as an art teacher and interior designer (I have degrees in both but never used them because I was raising my children essentially alone while I was married and could not). Despite all that, the anger and hurt have still not gone away. Whenever my fiance says something to me or does something that I perceive to hurt me emotionally, I respond with the same anger i directed toward my ex when he would do it. I am completely confused as to whether he is being abusive, I am being reactive or some of both. I have recently started therapy myself and am hoping that it is not too late for my relationship since he has now started responding to me in the same fashion. I see the cycle in front of me and I am so sad about it. I guess the message is to anyone reading, get help, be brave, find yourself again as soon as possible because you do lose yourself to this if you let it continue. You are too valuable to give yourself up to someone who would do this. Much love and hope, M

2:21 PM, March 22, 2006  

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