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Friday, February 04, 2005

Ode to the Anonymous Family

Funny how many of Sean's network of allies are named Anonymous , eh? (their comments are on the previous blog.) I'm not surprised they all continue his abusiveness by calling me "stupid" and "needing serious help", in spite of the audiotape where Sean is clearly abusing me AND admitting to past abuse. They are doing exactly what he wants them to do - defend his bad behavior no matter what evidence is presented. Sadly, these friends and family members are inadvertently contributing to Seans abuse habit. Studies firmly show that one of the three ingredients needed for abusive men to become non-abusive is that his "circle of allies" holds him accountable. Without this, he will continue to justify his behavior, blame his victims and ultimately never form a healthy relationship. Period.

Sean has built his network with a classic abuser recipe; chronic lies about me, Clintonesque charisma and endless stockpiling of IOUs. He's done a fine job of surrounding himself with a fortress of people who have no idea who he really is. I can only guess his circle has endured endless hours of heartfelt "Poor me, Eileen is attacking me, I never abused her" rants since we split. He told me many stories about his past relationships when we first met, and I truly believed he had been done very wrong by women. I used to be the strongest ally he had. These abusive networks are quite powerful, for they must be sturdy enough to deflect the truth. Watch the blog for a facinating story of Freud's experience and ultimate crumble under the pressure of an abusive network.

Leave comments directed at the wisdom of the Anonymous family by clicking "Post a comment". If you're ashamed of what you have to say, show some creativity and make up a name.


Claire said...

Oh my god, you've just answered so many questions I have. My ex gets his brother to abuse me to over the internet. It's driving me mad. He says so many nasty things about me over yahoo too. I finally kicked him out on Wednesday and am still in shock. I am a wreck and he and his brother say I put it all on. My neighbours would hear it all and are so glad I kicked him out. Friends are supportive but no one really understands what I've been through.

5:53 AM, July 10, 2005  
Artemis57 said...

This is the third blogger board I have been to on this site.

Claire, I know how it is to know that your neighbors are HEARING what is going on and finding that THEY are loathe to "interfere" (most likely because they fear becoming a "target" as well.

I had a lady-friend (several, actually) that lived upstairs of me in NJ. SHE heard (and believed -my- side of the story) how he used to leave and run to HIS brothers house (God rest his soul) and leave me isolated (I did not have a car part of the time--then) after the "screamfest" was over.

I, too, like so many others have tried to talk over unresolved (past) issues with him--INCLUDING the fact that I witnessed him PERSONALLY calling his OWN MOTHER A "STUPID BITCH" over the telephone. Naturally (in his eyes) when I try to talk things over--"I" am the one "starting an argument"! I should have taken my mother's advice (God rest HER soul, also) and come back 'home' for a while until I could get myself working again and get a place of my own--maybe in the same apartment building as hers in case he came and tried to talk me into coming BACK to him. But, I didn't. Part of the reason for THAT was that Mr. BS had poisoned my FATHER against -me-. He did this by waiting until we were on a trip together to see them, and he DUMPED me (left me to try and find a way to GET there on my own) and said how "I" was the one starting all the SHIT! Well, my father being an ABUSIVE man himSELF, was MORE than ready to believe him! My MOTHER knew it was NOT true being an ABUSED woman HERself! But, you CAN'T go against the TITULAR HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD, don't you know?! Anyhow, there were LOTS of things (with 20/20 "hindsight", mind you) that should have awakened me.

I even sent for the materials from 1-800-SAFE (way back when) and outlined what applied to our situation and SHOWED it to -him-. I then informed him that even if I DID end up living under a BRIDGE, it would be better than what -he- had been doing to me. So, he backed off for a little while (can't have your own personal WHIPPING post getting AWAY, now CAN we?!) I started packing and he gets all "shaky voiced" and says "No don't, I'M SORRY". So, I stay.

He even apologized to me again a couple of DAYS ago--but within less than a 1/2 hour was back to RANTING at me! So, I told him--you know, when you SAY you "are sorry" and still come at me like that--IT NEGATES THE APOLOGY! Then he starts with the "I don't give a FUCK, this and that"! Well, apaaaaaaaaaaarently!

Slipped off the wagon yesterday--my own decision and responsibility (trying NOT to play the blame game for my drinking if I can help it)--BUT did not get into another argument over it. Drank what I wanted to and then went straight to bed so that I would not even encounter him! Have been reading the materials I got from The Saint Jude Retreat -and- the book I got from AA. Apparently it is EASY to slip--especially when there is someone THERE with you who is just ITCHING for you to "fail". So, I guess I should not beat my OWN self up too badly over it.

Anyway, I have a "system" in place--DAILY calls to certain persons (my Uncle and my Grandmother are two) and a friend that I have here in Texas that I knew BEFORE that move back to NJ. Plus numbers some ladies gave me at AA. However, THIS is a double edged sword, because NOW Mr. BS has taken to eavesdropping on my calls (like he used to--way back when). It is a good thing that he was out of the house yesterday when I got the call back from ONE of several lawyers that I got in toudh with and left messages over the Holiday weekend! SHE gave me the means to get in touch with Legal Aid here in Montgomery County. She also told me *for FREE* that it does not matter if he cuts off the cell phone upon which the threatening message was left--they can always subpoenae the records. PLUS the fact that it is NOW in the form of a written statement -and- the fact that the officer LISTENED to it FIRST!

Gee, looks like I -finally- did SOMETHING -right-!

Anyway, going to be getting in touch with the animal shelters again today to see what my options would be--considering I -got- a reminder in the mail that the one cat with the Kidney ailment is due for his check up. THAT went over like a lead balloon with -him-. Any excuse to bite MY head off!

TTFN--and thank you once and again, Eileen! BTW, was HONEST with the lawyer lady and TOLD her that the pattern has BEEN he makes MEAN to me--and then I get upset and DRINK--and that I know it is NO excuse--but that THAT has been the way things have BEEN of late. I was CRYING by THAT time. She said she really FELT for me because THAT is A LOT OF TIMES how women even BEGIN to drink heavily (when they had been only "social" drinkers before that) or something to that effect--I may not be vebatim here. Anyway--I told here that I did not need excuses (even though that it WAS part of the REASON behind how my cycle of over-drinking DID start).

Hey, I was signing off, and darned if I did NOT continue, again! Like I said on an earlier post--once you get started with telling your story (especially a 25 year LONG one) it is hard to stop when you know that others out there are TRULY on your side!

11:56 AM, November 29, 2005  
Anonymous said...

Iam a man and can tell you from a personal experience that abuse as you defined it on here is not a gender issue, I was involved in a relationship that my partner contemplated my murder after she got a life insurance policy on me,
even thou I treated her as a queen the whole time we were togother, after catching her in the act of adultery she cried wolf to the police who I called the night I cought her with the other person to avoid a dangerous confrentation with the lover she was with and 2 nights later the officer that came to the house that night was spending the night with her, commiting adultary again, in exchange for sexual favores the officer wrote false police reports
against me, when I filed for divorce on basis of adultary she denied it even she tried to make me think what I saw in my own eyes was not what it was. women are just as abusive in a relationship just as much as a man, the point I'm trying to make is abuse is not a gender issue, women are abusive and everything you have writen on this site against men , describes my ex wife 100% women are and can be abusive when they have somthing to hide like an affair and any thing there partner does never seem to be right a selfesteem war on the partner by the woman who he loved enough to mary, to my ex all she was is after money when she got plenty of it and got herself out of the dept she had before the marriage, and I had no idea it existed she started the abuse, alot worse form of abuse than any woman here has encounterd from a man. Bias against men is a true reallity in life.

3:07 AM, February 24, 2006  
Anonymous said...

excellent site. just one comment--i know from experience that women can abuse women too. a friend of mine is dead because of an abusive relationship, and her abuser was a 5'2" woman who looks angelically sweet. i know from reading the queer papers that men abuse other men. i don't personally know of instances of women abusing men, but i know that abusive behavior is not biologically determined. just remember that the abuser is not always a big burly heterosexual male. read _The Sociopath Next Door_ by Martha Stout and watch the movie "Gaslight" to learn more about tactics used by people w/o empathy.

1:49 PM, April 15, 2006  
Surviving or am I said...

It's like a reading my own life w/my ex! Looking through a looking glass from the past... Scary to think we have to assure ourselves that we are not crazy & on the other hand defend oneself to others of being worthy.

Still treading water because our legal system doesn't work! The one with the most money to waste in our court system wins!!

How sad is that!! :(

2:01 AM, September 15, 2006  

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